Ward 734
By Doctor Chip, M.D.
Entertainers and mimes constantly complain of the severity of the rooms they play. Certain venues, like Veteran Stadium, they booed Santa Claus, Carnegie Hall, The Ford Theater, and the old Caesar's Palace are notorious for their crowd reactions. Thumbs down, if you don't have what it takes to play these legendary rooms, go back to Peoria. A room that should be elevated to this lofty status is the Kaiser E.R. in San Francisco.
Perhaps, some of the more informed doctors, nurses, and admin people read last months column and took umbrage with some of my comments. My pleas of being misquoted were, much like my bed pan, largely ignored. Witty repartee echoed off these walls with a thud reminisant of a Wilt Chamberlain free throw. As the last of the truck driving poets, these serious, non-laughing professionals were killing me. One more night in their company and I was about to take a turn for the nurse.
These evil geniuses had planned for this scenario, it must have been reflective in my charts, and thwarted even these efforts.
First they stickered me in electrodes, I counted over thirty, and then covered me in wires. I looked like a cross between the back of a stereo and a NASCAR racer, after the crash. The good news was with all of that conductivity, my reception increased from four stations to 615 channels and HD radio. I was installed with lights, buzzers, whistles, and a high pitched beep that was more sensitive than a fat girl backing up the buffet line. It became a contest of wills between modern medicine and a fast talking wag from the fifth estate.
Battle lines were drawn. The oldest profession, after receiving my bill the word prostitution did come to mind, versus my right to make fun of them. It was an epic stand off. A dead heat between dead pan expression and unheard laughter (only a mime would understand the latter). If it wasn't for the curious selection of what was to be passed off for food, even the most stoic medico had to laugh, I would have gone down to defeat.
So, if you are going to play the big room, be sure to bring your A game. SFO has a non stop to Peoria leaving every hour.
Thank you for all the kind thoughts and well wishes.