Chip on Chip
by Chip Squared
Earlier this month, I was summoned to the 49er training facility in Santa Clara. After repeated phone calls, I relented and agreed to a meeting. Like everyone else in the state, I was well aware of their ongoing quarterback woes. I was impressed, however, with their research on me. With no film available, and even less interest, someone had to piece my playing career together through articles in the Warrior Gazette, San Mateo Times and the Enterprise Journal.
I assembled an entourage any NFLer and most NBA types would be proud of. My lawyer, Blue Moon Retainer, loaded the usual suspects into Touchy Feeley’s RV, Day Tripper. The pros were there, Dana and Levi. Kevin O’Malley and Dan Murray provided Irish Muscle as well as Irish Coffees for this long journey. The Bigs were there, Cat and Al, setting the stage and the odds on this unlikely try-out (5 to 1 against).
Our arrival at the facility, reminiscent of a Billy Carter visit to the White House, was met with reluctance, suspicion and lots of security. Matters escalated when Bill refuse to allow Day Tripper to be valet parked. Blue Lou, the Sons of Civil Servants and Mike Bradley surrounded the beer venders in the lot demanding lower prices and free refills.
Luckily Chip Kelly stepped in to quell security and escort us in. In a calm voice, so not to awake my Irish security, he asked, “Chip what’s all of this about and why are you in workout clothes?” Taken aback, I said, why else would you ask me here? Your team is in trouble, you’re new in town, you probably haven’t establish a personal watering hole, so my men and I are here to help.
He said he appreciated that but really wanted to know if the Bay Area was big enough for two Chips. I told him it was as long as he could accept being second fiddle we would have no problems. He nodded, grabbed his clipboard and lead us to the field. As I was working out with the first unit, my entourage was quietly “collecting” souvenirs. “This NFL stuff has great resale value", said Bill the Web. Maybe we will acquire enough of it to cover our bill in the stadium club.”
I finished the practice going 7 for 18 for 123 yards. A very Gabber-Nick performance. I am awaiting a contract offer any day now.