Author: Tim Andersen

The Devil, She Wears FootJoy
By Purgatory Chip

Here’s the gospel according to Chip, boys,
the devil doesn’t wear Prada, she wears FootJoy.

24 hours removed from my latest golf disaster,
this was the cruel and painful morning after.

I was struggling out on the range,
my swing foreign and strange.

I was sweating and cursing like a paroled Raider fan.
when she walked up and said, woo man.

Sarcastic and condescending, she was accessorized to the max,
she likened my swing to wielding an axe.

Are you swatting flies or digging a hole,
maybe this game isn’t for you, do you bowl?

Your alignment is off, your plane isn’t right,
I can’t unsee this mess, how will I sleep tonight?

Do yourself a favor and give up this game,
let’s face it, your prospects are quite lame.

I’m sorry I don’t think we’ve met,
did my ex-wife send you, that’s my bet?

While I know her professionally, I from a place further below,
let me take this time to malign you and say hello.

Where I come from, it's my job to bring the heat,
make things uncomfortable, maybe burn your seat.

Where is this place you know so well,
judging by your sunny personality, it sounds like hell.

I’m here to fix your game, that’s my goal,
better golf for the price of your soul.

You seem like the real deal,
let’s play for it, how’s that feel?

Play me straight up,
who are you, Costner from ‘Tin Cup’?

I gave Tiger two and he’s no joke,
you want to play me without a stroke?

The match was close, each shot mattered,
on 18 she misjudged the distance and into the water she splattered.

This morning you couldn’t find your game with a range finder,
who would have known you were such a grinder?

Your soul's still intact, but a quota I must meet still,
I guess I’ll wait for the US Open and an implosion from Phil.

A Sure Thing
by Poker Chip

It was during the dark days of televised sports, that black hole somewhere between the Daytona 500 and March Madness, when she tripped into my life. Had I Known what I know now I never would have struck my foot out. She was lithe, limber and was now walking with only the slightest trace of a limp. Betting she had health insurance, I offered to pay her medical deductible.

Gracious, if not graceful, she sat down and declared she would not seek legal action. Relieved, I asked her to stay and join me for dinner. I could tell you it was the start of magical nights of candle light, expensive French wines and a long lazy walks, but I’d be lying. We ate tacos, drank cheap Mexican beer, no fruit, and talked Warriors basketball. Levi Fountaine was her all-time favorite player. She was cool and a fast healer, I was smitten.

We began to see more of each other and I believed we were getting closer. Well, as close as you can get from arms distance. She was still a bit leary of how we met.

Speed Andersen, Brad Pitt, Micky Spillane and a few lucky others have known women of this caliber. We were however, off to a good start. Spring training was on the horizon, the Master’s on the ebb tide, I was in a good place. Who could ask for more? A chick in hand, warmer weather approaching, this was CHIP TIME!

It was here that I made my fatal mistake. I gambled!

I invited her to join our Saturday foursome of Gary D, Sonic Sid and Cabo Nick. Just a standard muni with polies, murphies, sandies (dirty sand pays double) the works. She was a quick study and began to notice how the gambling took on a life of its own. I believe it was the double hammer on the auto press that changed her demeanor from casual amusement to disgust.

I was ordering after the round when she said those words I have heard far too often, Chip, we have to talk. A sinking feeling came over me. Friendly wagering is one thing she said, but your guys are out of control. If I stayed with you, I’d always have a fear in the back of my mind that you’d lose me in a poker game or on a two team parlay. Forget about the deductible, I made enough from you guys to cover it and then some. I’m leaving.

As she was walking away, I yelled, Baby, I don’t even like poker, I can change. She smirked and then slammed the door. With a heavy heart I said, Sid, I’ll shake you for the drinks.

The Chippy Awards
by Red Carpet Chip

While the rest of the world begins to pair up, two by two, in preparation of Hallmark’s big day, we at Chip stand resolutely alone, focused on the Best in Bay Area Golf.  Unlike other publications, many of whom have editors, policy boards and readers, The Chippy’s offer the golf community unbiased, unvarnished and largely unwashed opinions.  As is our custom, the names will not be changed as we still cannot identify enough innocent to protect.

We will not bore you, golf’s most knowledgeable readers, with mundane statistics and the lame categories of the big name magazines.  We will instead celebrate what is truly important in our game.  So sit back, open a cold one and enjoy the 2017 Chippy’s.

Best Beverage Cart
SHARP PARK
It is not that they have the prettiest cart girls, see HMB, but that they carry hot dogs on board.  Brilliant.

Best Bloody Mary’s
MATT LAROCCA, P.C.G.C
Our very confident barman mixes his semi-secret recipe out in the open for all to see.  This tasty potable both braces and refreshes those with early morning tee times.

Best Post-Round Drink
SHARP PARK
The combination of sketchy neighborhood people, tree huggers and golfers in that funky bar/restaurant has a kind of Haight-Ashbury meets the Sierra Club vibe.  Throw in an Irish brogue and you have a party.  The Cal Club's horseshoe bar and Gleneagles Pro Shop are just an eccentric or two away from contention.

Best Bartender, Female Division
MEL ALLEN, P.C.G.C
Mel has the right amount of everything and is passionate about golf.  LAVONDA and GINA over at Mariner’s Island are a very strong second place.

Best Bartender, Male Division
WHO CARES!

Best Beer Selection, Domestic
Oly, PBR and Miller High Life makes GLENEAGLES the runaway winner.

Fancy, overpriced preppy beers favored by the children of today will not be rated.

Best Beer Selection, Foreign
See Male Bartender

Congratulations to the inaugural winners of this most prodigious honor.  The volunteer staff at the Chippy’s applaud those of you who have achieved so much.  For you slackers out there that didn’t make the list, we are not above bribes.