Beware the Irish of March
by Potato Chip
Some elbow patched, bespected literary scholars believe a papal adjustment in the 14th century may have altered world history. These state-sponsored otherwise unemployable experts contend recently discovered Vatican documents link William Shakespeare with high ranking officials in a conspiracy to limit the uncorked toasting potential of the Irish.
Experts believe Shakespeare's play "Julius Caesar" was a thinly veiled attempt to quite the poetic Irish. Shakespeare, they surmise, believed the Irish a threat to his livelihood due to their natural ability to muddle the English language in a manner even more vague than his.
"If these documents, handwritten on cocktail napkins from the original Caesar's Palace, can be authenticated, then it proves Shakespeare's involvement," said noted Irishman Ross Madigan. These documents claim Billy S., King John, and Julius Caesar were plotting to close all Irish distilleries. They believed it would cripple the Irish creative spirit. "Dry them up to shut them up," said Shakespeare. Mixological analysis reveals Billy S. and King John drank coffee royals, (another slap at the Irish) while Caesar doth drank wine the colour of blood.
If it wasn't for Pope Patrick the O'nly, this dastardly plan might have succeeded. The Pope got wind of the plot when he overheard palace guards speaking out of school. He beheaded them, since what happens at Caesar's Palace stays at Caesar's Palace, and set off to save Ireland. He intercepted the the play at Caanes, where it was set for summer stock. The pope reworked the plot, updated the costumes and much to the displeasure of Brutus, deleted his musical number in Act II. The conspiracy was thwarted, the distilleries stayed open and the good people of
Ireland continued to toast at will.
Pope Patrick was promoted to saint. The others didn't fare as well, Julius was stabbed in the back, Billy S. was forced into advertising, and throughout Ireland the public restroom became known as "The John."
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
Image caption: Gnome Place Like Home