Chip vs. IRS
By Chip E. Nomics
(This is the actual trial transcript of Chip vs. the IRS)
Judge: Bailiff, why are we trying this case in the Poplar Creek Bar?
BMR: If I may, Your Honor, I am Blue Moon Retainer, counsel for the defendant. The original change of venue was to be the Bay Meadow's Turf Club. We felt with their three drink minimum and the possibility of a lengthy case, that it would be too great a burden on the taxpayers of San Mateo County. So this was the compromise sir.
Judge: Bailiff, who are these men in my courtroom? They look like candidates for a criminal line up. Are we filming another episode of Cops?
BMR: Your Honor, although you might know some of these men "professionally" they are, indeed, character witnesses for my client.
Judge: I recognize Big Al, Cabo Nick, CDub, Dave D'Arce and of course Marco, but who is that relatively clean cut man sitting next to Blue Lou?
BMR: That is Randy Gubert, sir, and he has a hot girlfriend. If the case goes to a jury, we will parade her out to distract them.
Judge: The John Jurgens defense, interesting strategy, counselor. Prosecution, opening statement?
IRS: Yes, Your Honor, Pay me, Chip. Oh yeah, Mel, two vodka overs with a twist the way I like them, please.
BMR: Sir, my client has been wrongly charged with using sophisticated accounting procedures unknown to the IRS. They claim his golfing expenditures, gambling losses and dry cleaning bills are not deductible in the manner he has chosen to use. We believe, sir, a golf bet won costs more money than a wager lost. By using the same principals of economics employed by the US Government, we feel entitled to claim a win as a loss. For example, say my client actually wins a $50 dollar bet. That 50 now falls into the realm of Reverse Capital Gains or as we call it, Chipenomics. That money gets split between a bar tab, restaurant bill, valet, bookmaker, cart girl, and local hang arounds, and if lucky a pole dancer or two. So Your Honor, a fifty dollar win is really a 100 dollar or more loss. Now, when we add the natural losses with the wins, we have what Congress calls deficit spending. In this situation, Congress will try to spur on the economy with larger income tax deductions as an incentive plan. My client, sir, does this every week. His losses are good for a growing economy and the United States as a whole. I move, Your Honor, that all charges be dropped immediately and set this good American free.
Judge: Case dismissed on the condition that Randy's girl approach the bench!