Octoberfest, the Fall Classic and the 300 Yard Drive
by Chip or Treat
I believe golfers play golf as a public service to others. Sure, the game lends itself nicely to the
uniquely male combination of stripes and plaids, but our participation is much more spiritual than a good fashion sense. Many golfers, in fact, hate the game. They only play week after week after week due to a higher calling to help mankind.
The average golfer is a wealth of knowledge and an expert on all subjects not related to women. On any given day, on any given golf course, expert analysis can be heard for the small price of a single draft beer. For example, if NASA is having another lift off snafu, chances are the man sitting next to you has the intellectual Viagra to solve the problem. Real Estate, marital discord and arms treaty hang ups are usually fixed before the first round is served. More difficult issues such as Wall Street woes, housing costs, and world peace have been remedied before the start of the third round. These guys are good, very good.
The best advice is given during big sporting events or during baseball games. Baseball's intrinsic strategy and slow pace meld a golf course bar into a global think tank. Listed below is a guide to golfers knowledge based on their handicap.
NAPOTE-TOOMEY NINETEENTH HOLE MENSA GUIDE
0-5 : Football, horse racing, oil markets and oil production, middle age divorcees, single malt Scotch
5-10 : World foreign policy, cold fusion, animal husbandry/fat chicks (they're both breeders) French wine
10-15 : BBQ, Domestic gross product, money markets, sailing, serial killers, whiskey
15-20 : Dancing (they aren't on the range), pork bellies (they aren't in the gym either), futures market, waxing techniques, domestic beer
20-36 : Constitutional law, movie trivia, gun control, jeopardy, all things Osmond/Chas Bono, flavored rums
There are only two topics which are taboo, Light beer is a dietary supplement and milk's favorite cookie is the Oreo, no question, no debate.
When a golfers handicap fluctuates, so does his knowledge. So instead of paying a high priced shrink for some sissy hand holding exercises, go to the golf course.
Next month: Turducken, John Madden and the Pilgrim experience