Play hard, play fair, play fast!
Chip In Time
My editor yelled, in a thoroughly uncensored, highly agitated state which possessed style, originality and creativity, that my article was @#$%^^ing late. He belittled my abilities to read a watch and a calendar respectively. He was again on the verge of firing me from this unpaid job, when I mentioned that I was in the last group of a recent PCGC tournament. He paused, quickly nodded, almost apologized, and said for the first time in our relationship, "I understand".
Floored by those two words, I began to ponder why we play so slow. Jordan Speith, winner of the U.S. Open at Chambers' Bay played in the same five hours and thirty minutes it took me to play Poplar Creek.
The Open had forced carries, knee high fescue, young lions and an old Tiger. We were playing lift, clean and place, had carts and not a tuft of rough. WHAT HAPPENED? Is it possible that we have more prima donnas than the PGA tour?
My staff quickly commissioned an independent study to reveal whether it was possible to read Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' faster than to play our front nine. The findings show 'War and Peace' to be five minutes faster for the average reader. Thirty minutes faster in English. Things must change, valuable bar time is being wasted.
In a somewhat sober search of local laws and the rules of golf, my trusty attorney Blue Moon Retainer, and I may have found the answer to improve the pace of play. Golfers found guilty of slow play will be sent to the range. They will be marched out forty yards from the tees, offered an optional blindfold and cigarette, and told to stand still. A select group of "archers", low handicappers in the Soo, Kmac, Ungaretti mold will be given 10 balls and a seven iron. In NCGA events, a wild card, free swinging 14 handicapper will be give 5 balls and a driver. Good natured wagering by the membership on who is the best "archer" will be encouraged.
"It's good for the game, plus it will help me hone my punch shots", said Swingin' Mr. Stevens. Keep up, speed up, or pick up!