Man Versus Woman

Man Versus Woman
By Clueless Chip

It was a work day, that much I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty. I was busy grinding away on the range trying hard to quell my demons.  These tormentors are far too numerous and ingrained to be defeated, they can only be pacified.  The more I worked the deeper in the zone I got.  It was somewhere between good versus evil, right versus wrong, gin versus vodka, when I made a discovery. Golf Nirvana.  I was on the cusp of having all eight cylinders, not the usual four, firing at once.  It was her simple "nice swing" that interrupted my reverie.  Man versus woman.
  
She was tall athletic and sassy.  Her fragrant voice sounded the way jasmine smells in the morning, sweet and tempting. She explained how she was currently between drivers and in need of expert advice.  Did she think I was David Leadbetter or Doctor Ruth?   A bit confused, but in true Chip manner, I swallowed the bait.  Whole!

She swung a few clubs with surprising tempo and ability.  Her swing was flawless.  She took out two drivers, her boys she called them, and explained her commitment phobia.  One woman two drivers, even James Worthy (think back readers) would call this a problem.  She hit them both half heartedly and with little enthusiasm.

Instantly I knew the answer.  Sounding like so many mothers in my past, I told her, "These guys just aren’t right for you.  What you need is a club that swings you.  Something fun with a business side.  What you need is a truck driving poet.  Let’s go see Mel and get you fitted.”

After a few drinks and dinner, she excused her self.  I was momentarily alone, awaiting her return, wondering how I was doing.  Did the lesson work?  Did she get the subtle nuances of my game. It was then I heard the door slam and the tires squeal.  At least I had the check.  Oh well, back to the range.

My Vote’s For Love

My Vote’s for Love
Every Chip Counts
 
June is when the political process starts to get fun. The primaries are finally over. The shoe-in candidates are busy trying to look and act presidential, while secretly preparing to drop the gloves hockey style and attack one other. Can’t you picture Hillary with her playoff beard body checking a helmetless Donald into the boards? Of course he’ll catch her straddling the blue line unable to commit. And so, it goes. Simon and Garfunkel got it right when they sang, “Going to the candidate debate. Laugh about it, shout about it, when you got to choose, either way you look at it, you lose.” Take heed America, I have a write in candidate with experience and no hidden agendas! Did I pique your interest?
 
Our own president, Mike Love, is such a man. He believes in quick meetings, favors red wine, Tommy Bahama shirts and no new items from the floor. He has run unopposed for 11 straight years, no one else want wants the job, with a balanced budget and not a single corruption charge.  His political stock has risen to where several Latin American countries awaiting a coup, have claimed Mike as a native son.
 
His long time Cabinet, no one want these jobs either, will hit the campaign trail running. It is complete with an accountant, a lawyer and to appeal to the younger voters, a webmaster. The wet voters are also well represented by Mike’s thirsty board of directors. “There is no down side to this candidate except perhaps the membership he represents, “Said Lou Badet”.
 
Accepting of his humble grass roots campaign and write in status, Mike has approved a stamp drive at our next three tournaments. Please bring a new, unused roll of US stamps to the pro shop prior to your tee times. Make American great again, Vote Love!
 
The Love 2 Party Committee would like to ask Cabo Nick to refrain from all interviews, photo ops or comments regarding “that” Christmas party until after the election.

Train Wrecks and Tequila

Train Wrecks and Tequila
Salt, Lime and Chip

For 17 holes my swing was perfected.  It was graceful, strong and free.  It flowed like two sweethearts on a deserted dance floor, easy and confident.  Every strike was solid, every putt was pure.  It was as if on each hole, the band was playing “Our Song”.  Par and birdie were competing for space on my scorecard. Golf was easy.  Unfortunately, I said this out loud.  The golf gods hear everything, believe me.

The train wreck that followed was of biblical proportion.  It was the Hindenburg, the Titanic and the Trump campaign rolled into one.  Golf Apocalypse!  That French guy who gave away the British Open got off easy in comparison.  Jordan Speith's Masters melt down was a mere slap on the wrist. The golf gods struck with a terrible swift sword. The 18th hole looked like a battlefield by the time I was done.  Scattered over those 375 yards lay a swatch of scorched earth.  It was littered with clubs, man sized divots, shattered dreams and one smoldering temper.

Hours later, sitting at the nineteenth hole sipping a tequila over, I realized the foley of my ways. I popped off.  I was mocking the game.  Red Auerbach never lit up in the third quarter.  What was I thinking?   I should have known better to think I had this game figured out.  The golf gods don’t cotton to smack talk and threat it severely with surprising speed.

Next week when my memory is short and I play again, I will keep my swagger in check and a flask of tequila at the ready.

Ode to Cabo Nick

Ode to Cabo Nick
Chip Up To His Ears

April, as my seven loyal readers know, is National Poetry Month.  There is nothing on earth quite like the PCGC membership in lambic pentameter.  Sit back and enjoy a road trip with Cabo Nick and the boys.

Billy, where the hell is here,
we were stopping for just one beer!

Moon drive toward that red star,
when did I get a tattoo, and who are these women in the car?

Big Cat grab us a map at that last chance Texico,
what’s that you say, we are in Jaurez, Mexico.

My head was fuzzy and under a strain,
Cabo Nick, please, please, explain.

Well Chip, this may not be a good way to begin,
we lost track after ten, he said with a grin.

We decided to take a road trip the very next day,  
I accepted the conditions of your wager come what may.

You bet in 72 hours not a woman I could wed,
so we headed south to my  Mexican Club Med.

I won with very little effort or trouble,
then you yelled, nothing or double.

What good fortune, my new wife has a sister,
that will teach you to pop off, mister.

Tattooed on your arm is Mr. Jurgins, commonly know as Jack,
wait till you see my family portrait inked on your back.

Humbled and hungover, I had to admit to my fail,
by the way, he said, you owe for Mike Love’s bail.

So be careful  if silly wagers you should make, 
know the rules and what’s at stake.

Never bet with the guys who are smooth and slick.
the house always wins, unless you are Cabo Nick.