Category: Columnists

Beer, Wine and Chip Remain
By Chip Ex Libras

This country has long been a nation of chance takers, gamblers and men of vision.  Our forefathers introduced, to an uncaring world, the radical ideas of democracy, indoor plumbing, and Britney Spears.  The board of the PCGC has been equally visionary, when four years ago, they approved of the Chip Experiment.

Fads may come and go, but beer, wine and Chip remain.  This slogan, soon to be etched above the entrance to the grill, is the epitome of the Chip experience.  Armed with the board's mandate of "fill the empty web space without getting us sued", he began chronicling the unique characters of the membership.

Over the ensuing years, "The Column", has swelled in readership.  It has surpassed The Chronicle, The Papal Times and the Kim Kardassian newsletter in subscribers.  While the circulation numbers are confidential, rumor has it at almost double digits, this kind of success can only mean one thing.

Due to underwhelming public demand, Chip's book, 'There Is No Off Switch To Genius' will be published in time for Christmas 2015.  A straight-faced Lou Badet said it best, "This coffee table book will be on every golfer's Christmas want list."

Some wags are calling the book's pre-sale a form of literary blackmail. "Buy the book, cash my check and keep my name out of it," said one unnamed member named SteveO.  "The unique thing about this book is its openness. He doesn't change the names, alter events or disguise the locations. What is wrong with this guy?  Hasn't he heard of lying to protect the field?", asked Cabo Nick.

Details of the book will be forthcoming unless pre-sale exceeds expectations. Financing is available.

 

A Look Into The Future
By Chip the Seer
 
With the aid of a Ouija board and my trusty magic eight ball, I will make some rather bold predictions for and of the PCGC membership in 2015.

Bill Feeley, after a lengthy negotiation session and three of Mel's margaritas will decide to take the head coaching with the Niners.  He will also ask for every other Sunday off after he takes a look at their schedule.

Craig Walsh will take the Raiders job only because Billy F has to give him three a side.  "It's a no brainer, said C-Dub, In this league always take the points!"

Steve-O will continue to praise the game of Cabo Nick after each fleecing at the muni.

Big Al and Sonic Sid will launch their self improvement website, 'The keys to better gambling'.

Blue Moon Retainer and I will sit at the bar, on the bubble, awaiting the outcome of match play qualifying. If we have had less than three beers , we're in, over four, call us a cab.

Randy G. will ask Mel the big question, "Can I please have a lime with my Corona?"

John Jurgins will forget which of his Tuesday ladies he has a date with.  He will take the whole foursome to lunch to be safe.

Mike Love will run  unopposed for president without being told.

Dennis K will come off handicap probation.

The Giants will finish third, the Warriors second and a California horse will win the Derby.  No one will remember or care where the A's finish.  

Mr. Marco will lead the Carlmont JV softball team to the title.  He will then demand the school buy uniforms worthy of champions.

Bryan U., Swinging Mr. Stevens and a dark horse, noted Irishman Ross Madigan will win PCGC majors.

My book, 'There Is No Off Switch To Genius' will be "thee" Christmas gift for 2015.

Drink prices will go up with the new management

Secret Santa
by Chip Undercover

Earlier this month, I was taking the air with the big guy himself, Santa Claus, on the veranda of a South Beach nightclub.  He comes here for a week or so before the busy season to relax, pump pina coladas (they match his beard), and guess which girls on the dance floor are naughty or nice.

We stood, overlooking the gyrating action below us, when it occurred to me, Santa has the best intelligence network in the world.  Forget about the CIA, the Mossad, MI6, and Kmart, they are no match for the big fella.  Santa knows all the players, where they are and when they are sleeping.  I then noticed six little men with sunglasses, ear buds, and funny shoes scanning the crowd.  They are the Elf Elite, cute, cuddly and lethal, he said.  Chubby, who would want to hurt you, the Easter Bunny?  He gave out a belly laugh, he really does this, and said no, Harvey’s ok.  My guys keep the paparazzi, Moonies and Democrats away.

My wife, now she knows security and never forgets a thing.  She is still raw with me about the time I delivered swim suits to the Rockettes dressing room in ’66.  They were so grateful that they tried them on for me, the little darlings.

We continued the night sipping Bullet Rye, he prefers this to milk and cookies, talking flight schedules, no fly zones, and international customs agents.  Somewhere into the second bottle, a gift from a hopeful manager, we began discussing the PCGC membership and what was on their secret wish lists.

He said it was mostly the typical stuff like Sonic Sid seeking more club head speed, Cabo Nick asking for Mexican Immunity, and Big Al looking for replacement loaded dice.  Stuff like that.  I pored him some more rye and asked him about the more difficult requests to fill. After a nice pull from his tumbler he said, of course Chip, with this crew there will always be tough wishes to grant.  For example, John Jurgins and Bryan U. both asked for Miss October.  Several members asked Saturdays to be extended to spend more time with Mel.  Blue Moon wants the holes to be larger, while Mr. Marco wants worldwide color coordination.  Billy F. wants a red wagon and 300 yard drives.

You know I can’t break laws other than gravity and physics.  It just isn’t right.  How do you do it, I asked.  All of that pressure, time commitments, Elves unions, hunters, PETA pulling you in a different direction.  You are amazing Chubs, amazing.  He smiled, tapped the bottle of rye, winked and walked off with his lovely assistant.  I smiled too, knowing I now had something on the big guy.  

It’s going to be a happy holiday season indeed.

Merry Chipmas

Chip, The Series
by Star Chip

The ref signaled for a thirty second TV timeout, sports most exciting two minutes, as I resumed my game day routine. I was working the nape of her neck south, southwest of the lobe  when it happened.  Easy, fellas, this is a family column.  I heard the first note of "Jail House Rock", the familiar ring tone of my attorney, Blue Moon Retainer.

My almost imperceptible hesitation, was enough to turn her romantic green light into a flashing red.  On the second ring, just as my front door was slamming shut, I answered the phone.  I then asked this question.  "Moon, is it civil or is it criminal?"  He said, whoa Chip, it's the Golf Channel and they want to talk.  Good God, the Golf Channel, is it copy write infringement or is it Arnie Abuse?  No, he said, it was not a legal matter.  In fact, their people want to talk to our people about doing a television series.

The television show is a good idea Moon, but do you think meeting our people is?  Golf Channel wants to do something unusual, edgy and on the fringe of the game.  They have done some research and our names keep popping up.

Oh, I see.  You know, "The Fringe" would be a clever name for the show.  We could have weekly segments from the boys on their personal areas of expertise.  It could be filmed from the bar with a live audience.  (Editors note: 7 second delay for beeping purposes might be a good idea.)

Big Al could talk about Blue Lights and liars dice.  Doug "Air Marshall" Canovas could handle all travel related questions.  John Jurgins with the Big Cat acting as his ears, will answer audience inquiries regarding cart girl etiquette.  Mr. Marco will tackle fashion while Billy F talks.  It will be the first show that talks about the fringe areas of golf without talking about golf.  The inner game played after the game.

Moon, don't you think Mel's Mixology Corner would be the perfect spot for guest stars.  People like Sean Connery, Charles Barkley, Justin Timberlake and John Daly.  Stars we have seen around golf courses, but don't really play.  Plus star power brings chicks to the audience, and that's good television.  Don't believe me, just watch a re-run of Star Trek.

Of course, smoking jackets will be required.