Category: Columnists

A Shot of Love
by Chip Amore

Say Jailer, what we all charged with?  

Do you mean, in addition to bad grammar?  Well, son, the charges are down at the courthouse being sorted, typed, and quite frankly, marveled at.  That was some night.  

In that case, sir, I would like to make my one phone call.  

You used that when you ordered pizzas and beer for the cell block, including the guards. You then tipped heavy and put the entire bill on Sandy Shield's tab.  It was a nice touch.

How will I contact my lawyer then, sir?  

Turn around, isn't he the tall fellow asleep on the cot behind you?

Would it be too much of an imposition to ask for a brief overview of last nights activities?  

Perhaps, just the high points.  Maybe, the number of PCGC members under your hospitality or a rough estimate of the property damage?  One more thing, is the fat kid with the wings and the "I heart John Jurgins" tattoo who I think he is?  It began, like it so often does, innocently enough.  You, Blue Moon, Billy the Web, Hildie, and about 13 others were at the grill toasting Cupid and his life's work.  Somewhere between toasts 51 and 64, as near as we can tell, the chubby cherub went behind the bar to mix a new "love potion".  He then dipped his arrows in the mixture.  According to legend,  the first thing an arrow touches after hitting you becomes your "true love". Well, little britches decided it would be great sport to try out his new batch on the neighboring wedding party.  His first shot hit our very grumpy DA and a serious, shapely something 25 years his junior.  He then hit the groom's aunt and a dessert cart.  The maid of honor was hit just after the ring bearing dog.  Several golfers were struck, each followed by an arrow into the lake on 18.  With his encouragement, you all started taking shots.  Couples were trading partners faster than a bull market on Wall Street. Bedlam Reigned!  The only one to escape this "love" bloodbath was the mother of the bride, despite being hit 15 times.

Jailer, is that it?  We may have broken a few laws of nature, especially with those two bikers, but nothing that warrants legal action.  All we did was steer love in an alternate path.  Heck, how many weddings work out anyway?  This was a public service.

Here comes the bailiff with the charges.  Chip, wake those slackers up, I only want to read this once. 

The jailer turns green and silent.

What is it constable, you look ill.  

It appears, that our grumpy DA asked for your case and dismissed all charges.  He even drew a smiley face on the indictments with the words, Cupid, you the man!   You're all free to go.  Hey kid, quit smiling.
 
Three years of Chip in print without being censored, banned or put on a "watch list", but there is still hope.

For the Better of the Game
by Chipping In

With the silly season ending, so long shambles, it is time to make some serious new year's golf resolutions.  Not the shed a few pounds or wear less plaid lip service, but the real kind of change needed to improve the game.

PLAY FASTER!
Al Einstein, an eight handicapper prior to all that M=Titleist Squared stuff, said it best, "Walk up to it, nod to the gods, and then hit that sucker with both cheeks".  Cabo Nick  added, "If he didn't invent electricity or the car or whatever, he would have turned pro, what a waste."

BET MORE!
Wagering at the "Muni" is dying.  When was the last time someone was "put on the books", called a "Rollie", a dead beat, or a "Son of SteveO" on the first tee?  The standard muni $5, 5 and 10 must be preserved.  Auto presses, like single malt Scotch, should be passed down to the next generation by the trusted statesmen of the game. 

HAVE MORE FUN!
Enjoy it, or take up something with your wife.  Imagine five additional hours of "yes, dear.", ice tea and salads for lunch.  I have your attention now, it is a scary thought, isn't it?

OVER TIP!
We can't have those fancy country clubs with raked traps and divot free cart paths stealing our people.  They are ours to abuse and we need to keep them.  Tip better and I will guarantee there will be much less debris floating in your next drink.

These subtle reminders will help you have a Happy New Year and a great golf season.

Next month, Chip celebrates three years in print.  Is a motion picture deal in the works?

Tis the season for bad ties, fruit cakes, and sweaters too ugly for golf.  Yes, for golf.  You know the sweaters. That gift from a relative who wants to know how often you wear it.  Red or blue with one sleeve longer than the other.  Puffy designs of snowmen, reindeers, or egad, golfers.  That gem than can only be worn with a no photo clause out of state.

The hard-to-buy for golfer with discriminating taste and an erudite manner has just gotten a new ally.  Chips', long overdue gift guide has come out just in time for the holidays. This manifesto of golf mufti covers everything from French cuffs to FootJoys.  It combines fashion good sense with style and pizazz in only four hundred pages.  Some critics are suggesting it be hardbound and placed on the New York Times Best Seller's List. "It makes the Macy's and Nordstrom catalogs look like supermarket ads", stated clothes horse Ray Yoshak.  "The ascot and saddle shoe sections are second to none", added Art Klein.  The bar wear section is extensive and, thanks to the "models" from the "Champaign Room", exhilarating.  Who knew there were so many options with a cocktail shaker.  They give the dirty martini a whole new meaning.   
 
The collection is enlightened, explicate and in true Chip tradition, in excellent taste.  Several zealous reviewers have compared it to a marriage of Hollywood's Mr. Black and porn's Xaveria Hollinder.  "The ying and yang don't only meet, they collide like a 15 car pile up. It is a historic document", said Mike Bradley.
 
Chip didn't forget the ladies either.  With the help of the lovely models, he devotes two pages to evening wear and undergarments.   He reveals in the fragrance section, that if a woman wants a man's utmost attention they should forgo the Channel's and Fendi's.  She should instead spray on Chip's newest creation, Bacon.  It has a money back guarantee and a child making warning.
 
Of course, an opus of this magnitude must have it's distractors.  Bill Feeley was miffed by the collections lack of denim, cut off denim shorts and it's total disregard for the grunge look.
 
This catalog is a steal at $75 and can be found in leading pro shops, book stores in back alleys, and strip palaces.
 
Merry Chipmas

Chip vs. IRS
By Chip E. Nomics

(This is the actual trial transcript of Chip vs. the IRS)

Judge:  Bailiff, why are we trying this case in the Poplar Creek Bar?

BMR: If I may, Your Honor, I am Blue Moon Retainer, counsel for the defendant.  The original change of venue was to be the Bay Meadow's Turf Club.  We felt with their three drink minimum and the possibility of a lengthy case, that it would be too great a burden on the taxpayers of San Mateo County. So this was the compromise sir.

Judge: Bailiff, who are these men in my courtroom?  They look like candidates for a criminal line up.  Are we filming another episode of Cops?

BMR: Your Honor, although you might know some of these men "professionally" they are, indeed, character witnesses for my client.

Judge: I recognize Big Al, Cabo Nick, CDub, Dave D'Arce and of course Marco, but who is that relatively clean cut man sitting next to Blue Lou?

BMR: That is Randy Gubert, sir, and he has a hot girlfriend.  If the case goes to a jury, we will parade her out to distract them.

Judge: The John Jurgens defense, interesting strategy, counselor. Prosecution, opening statement?

IRS: Yes, Your Honor, Pay me, Chip.  Oh yeah, Mel, two vodka overs with a twist the way I like them, please.

BMR: Sir, my client has been wrongly charged with using sophisticated accounting procedures unknown to the IRS. They claim his golfing expenditures, gambling losses and dry cleaning bills are not deductible in the manner he has chosen to use.  We believe, sir, a golf bet won costs more money than a wager lost.  By using the same principals of economics employed by the US Government, we feel entitled to claim a win as a loss. For example, say my client actually wins a $50 dollar bet. That 50 now falls into the realm of Reverse Capital Gains or as we call it, Chipenomics.  That money gets split between a bar tab, restaurant bill, valet, bookmaker, cart girl, and local hang arounds, and if lucky a pole dancer or two. So Your Honor, a fifty dollar win is really a 100 dollar or more loss.  Now, when we add the natural losses with the wins, we have what Congress calls deficit spending.  In this situation, Congress will try to spur on the economy with larger income tax deductions as an incentive plan. My client, sir, does this every week. His losses are good for a growing economy and the United States as a whole. I move, Your Honor, that all charges be dropped immediately and set this good American free.

Judge: Case dismissed on the condition that Randy's girl approach the bench!