Category: Columnists

Irish Painters
by Chip O'Paint

I recently called my attorney, Blue Moon Retainer, collect. I asked him what I should do about those outrageous stories being told about the Irish. He said, I should consult with an expert on the subject. He then informed me, I was six beers in arrears, payable immediately. I hung up.

I next contacted noted Irishman Ross Madigan, and explained my predicament. He said, "I'm tired of Irish stereotypes, after I finish this drink, I'm going to punch someone." I settled him down and then asked him to comment on some of the stories being bandied about. I asked him what he thought about the claim, Italians and French paint art, the Irish paint houses? "Well", he said, "there are more houses than there is art. Plus, you meet a better class of people, so it might be true.

I pressed on, asking him if it were possible that the Irishman was the only man that would step over a naked woman to get to a bottle? He paused thoughtfully, and then said it depends on two things. What, I asked, no longer able to contain my journalistic poise, tell me? It depends on what she looked like and what was in the bottle.

We continued long into the night discussing Irish myths. We dispelled some, proved others, all the while leaving no bottle unturned. One thing I did learn to be true, Irish today, Hung over tomorrow couldn't be more appropriate.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all!
 

It Ain't Love Until the Fat Kid is on the Wing
by Chip Amour
 
Cupid is in Season! To most, this means chocolates, cards and over priced wine at a restaurant neither of you enjoy. It is the season of Mel Torme, lingerie, and secluded weekends, hopefully not alone. At Poplar Creek, however, things are always a bit different. Let me try to explain.
 
Our course is along the path of the Pacific Flyway, an aviary superhighway which begins in Canada and concludes in Mexico. It provides game birds an unmolested journey south where, of course, they have no such rules. Cupid also enjoyed the use of this route, shooting his arrows of amour, while making his rounds. It appears avid hunters CDub and Bryan "Death to Flying Things" Ungaretti noticed the fat kid circling the above the second hole. "There's no way we were trying to hit him. We were only sending up shots to warn him of the electrical lines, said Craig, besides, he was in season!"
 
The chubby pilot crashed landed on number three where "Blue Lou" Badet happened to be filling the lake with Titliests. Lou chased the poor boy with swinging wildly with his five. "That kid was never safer, said onlooker Dave McNeilly, everyone knows Lou can't hit a five iron."
 
Cupid flew in a panic and soared over the sixth hole where he was spotted by Dave Gluck. Technically, Dave was correct, he was an armed UFO flying in restricted airspace, but don't you think calling in the Navy F16's was a bit of overkill?
 
The stressed archer grounded with a thud near the eighth green.  He then encountered the ecology-minded Bill Feeley who wanted to know if his diapers were biodegradable and if his arrows were lead tipped?  The only member to show the little fellow any love at all was John Jurgens. John ripped open his shirt exposing a tattooed target on his chest and said, "take your best shot kid, but watch the hair."  John then took him to the bar to meet Mel. They walked.
 
ps.  Cupid got even.  He shot Dave Gluck with a special arrow that made him fall in love with the outdated Nike Sumo Driver.

80 Years of Golf Bliss
by Chip-a-bration
 
It has been said the fine line between genius and insanity is, the knowledge of when to press and then to double down.  Take our club's founding fathers, for example, and their roll of the dice in 1933.  This was the worst year of the depression.  Unemployment was at twenty five percent, shoeless Oakies were flooding into the state by the truck load, and they decided to start a golf club.  Pure Genius.
 
Well some people saw it differently.  Local school boards featured us in a campaign to keep kids in school.  Their slogan, "Don't be like those golf idiots, get an education," was popular on the Peninsula for years.  The club, coincidently, began to propser with the repeal of prohibition.  One old timer who wished to remain nameless, mainly because he couldn't remember his said, "It was heaven back then.  You had drunken unemployed stiffs who were willing to bet on everything.  You had to be a hack not to fleece those guys.
 
These are the very principals this club was founded on.  Over the decades we have survived a world war, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, Nixon, the pet rock and silly putty.  We have weathered scandals and handicap investigations better than all democratic presidential nominees except Clinton.  He was the best.  We have been fashionably innovative and morally lax for eighty years. 
 
Who could ever forget the year Cabo Nick brought an "entertainer" to the Christmas Party and her very creative way of doing the "hustle".  Rumors still abound the club that she clipped Steve O and three others for $100 apiece.  Where else, but our club, would characters like Big Al, Ray Yo, Baby Doll, Moose, Woody, Samoan Joe, The Commish, Stick and all the others be welcomed and revered?
 
Some snooty country clubbers say we have a zero admission standards and will let just about anyone join.  "I hope that they are right.  I wouldn't trade even one of my ex-felons for ten of their members, no matter how much the dues are needed," said an ex-club president currenly doing three to five.
 
Congratulations Gang on 80 Great Years.

December 2012

S. Claus
North Pole

Dear Chip,

Thanks for the champaign.  I agree with you that the Lafitte '58 is far superior to the Dom '63.  In fact, when compared, the Dom is liquid poverty and no better than common table wine.  The Elves were especially enthusiastic about your gift.  The Tequila in small bottles was a nice touch but don't you think you went a bit too far with the hunting rifles?  This is the North Pole man, not the SOUTH.  Rudolph is healing nicely and should be up and flying by Christmas Eve. The P.E.T.A. people have dropped all charges after compromising photos of Tony LaRussa and a "stray cat" were discovered at the pre-lim hearing.  Did you have anything to do with that?

Enough about French wine and legal matters, let us discuss your status on the Naught List.  I know you have replaced all of your divots, fixed ball marks and have kept your handicap low, these are all good.  I know, she was a consenting adult and you did rake the sand trap afterward, but it's not as easy as it used to be to get on the good list.  I've got auditors crawling all over my, well,…beard.  Champaign won't cut it this year.  I was thinking of something in a blue label, possibly green.  My decision rests with your next delivery.

Merry Chipmas

SANTA