Category: Columnists

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I believe. I believe in you, the Tooth Fairy and the Playboy Bunny.  I believe naughty is more fun than nice.  I believe that some nine handicaps are legitimate.  I believe the DH is wrong and AstroTurf is a necessary evil.  I believe the 49ers and the Raiders should play out of the same stadium.  I believe if you give me a soft summer breeze, a woman and a moon lit night, you can keep the breeze and the moonlight.  I believe lingerie is at it's loveliest when it is on the floor.  I believe the sexiest part of a woman's body is her mind.  Ok, Santa you caught me, I was just check to see if you were still reading.

I believe in square grooves, belly putters or not, you still have to make the shot.  I believe Bill "Two Spins" Feeley will stay under 200 pounds.  I believe and pray that the ASCOT returns to fashion prominence.  I believe in two dollar beers and over tipping.  I believe Mark Macguire, Barry Bonds and all the other cream or clear guys do not deserve Hall of Fame consideration. I believe, big guy, we should periodically be reminded that perhaps, we sometimes, very rarely take her for granted.  After all, deep down inside, she is still just a girl at heart in the arms of a man.  I believe match play is the only way to play this game. I believe Tiger and Phil would have trouble with our 19th hole.

Santa, I believe I want to wish you and the membership a Merry Chipmas.

Love,

Chip

The Noble Bird

The Noble Bird
By Full of Chip

Bird, bird, bird is the word.  This time of year, the turkey is king.  His A list celebrity status is more sought after than a Kardashian wedding invitation, a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or watching Kirstie Alley handle herself in a Hollywood buffet line. (Does Kim have to return the wedding gifts?)   Americans fancy the turkey so much so they cook, roast, bbq, fry, boil in oil, and sometimes in traffic, flip the bird.  The love affair is so vast and far reaching, the president, with very little input from the polls and Congress, pardons some of them.  It is unfathomable what kind of trouble these flightless birds can get into, but they are pardoned just the same to a life of leisure in a Washington area zoo.
 
Debate rages over this noble bird, who was beaked out by the eagle as our national symbol, whether free range or wild turkey is better.  Well, one is a full bodied with the slightest hint of hickory, the other is a bird.  You decide. It is amazing, however, when these birds are viewed in the wild how much they resemble the ones on the bottle.  It must be a quirk of nature, an oddity of life, simular to tending to look like your dog.  
 
So this Thanksgiving, when the relatives are getting on your last nerve and the Lions don't cover, take solice in the fact  that tomorrow they will be gone and you will have left over turkey sandwiches in silence.      

Octoberfest, the Fall Classic and the 300 Yard Drive

Octoberfest, the Fall Classic and the 300 Yard Drive
by Chip or Treat

I believe golfers play golf as a public service to others.  Sure, the game lends itself nicely to the

uniquely male combination of stripes and plaids, but our participation is much more spiritual than a good fashion sense.  Many golfers, in fact, hate the game.  They only play week after week after week due to a higher calling to help mankind.

The average golfer is a wealth of knowledge and an expert on all subjects not related to women.  On any given day, on any given golf course, expert analysis can be heard for the small price of a single draft beer.  For example, if NASA is having another lift off snafu, chances are the man sitting next to you has the intellectual Viagra to solve the problem.  Real Estate, marital discord and arms treaty hang ups are usually fixed before the first round is served. More difficult issues such as Wall Street woes, housing costs, and world peace have been remedied before the start of the third round.  These guys are good, very good.

The best advice is given during big sporting events or during baseball games.  Baseball's intrinsic strategy and slow pace meld a golf course bar into a global think tank.  Listed below is a guide to golfers knowledge based on their handicap.

NAPOTE-TOOMEY NINETEENTH HOLE MENSA GUIDE

0-5 : Football, horse racing, oil markets and oil production, middle age divorcees, single malt Scotch

5-10 : World foreign policy, cold fusion, animal husbandry/fat chicks (they're both breeders) French wine

10-15 : BBQ, Domestic gross product, money markets, sailing, serial killers, whiskey

15-20 : Dancing (they aren't on the range), pork bellies (they aren't in the gym either), futures market, waxing techniques, domestic beer

20-36 : Constitutional law, movie trivia, gun control, jeopardy, all things Osmond/Chas Bono, flavored rums

There are only two topics which are taboo, Light beer is a dietary supplement and milk's favorite cookie is the Oreo, no question, no debate.

When a golfers handicap fluctuates, so does his knowledge.  So instead of paying a high priced shrink for some sissy hand holding exercises, go to the golf course.

 

Next month: Turducken, John Madden and the Pilgrim experience

College Football, the Point Spread and You

College Football, the Point Spread and You
by Scholar Chip

My dear readers, school is back in session.  This means the college football betting season is upon us. That same eighteen year old you would not allow out with your daughter is now a freshman footballer entrusted with your money.  In these troubling times, help awaits.  Much like actor Sean Penn, I too went on a fact finding mission.  Instead of seeking truth and world peace, I searched for the pulse of the American betting psyche.  Unlike Mr. Penn who went to Iran, Yemen, and Libya, I opted for The Riveria,  The Tropicana and Caesar's Palace. I assure you no stone, or more accurately no dice, was left unturned.

Through this exhaustive mission, I was able to assemble an extensive college betting guide based on fact, statistics, and just plain @#$%^ luck.  Here is my research for your betting pleasure.

Bet Dumb.  State schools are king!  The have lower entry requirements, lower expectations and better athletes.  How smart do linemen have to be anyway?  Grade point average, the dreaded student athlete and RPIs are polar opposites.  The smart schools, Johns Hopkins, Skyline and the Airco Institute do not have football anyway, so why does it matter?

Bet Ugly.  The Yoschak Scale rates football ability to the hotness of the schools cheerleaders.  For example, if betting a good small school low on the scale, bet the over (Boise State, Nevada, Iowa).   If betting an average big school high on the scale, bet the under. Chances are, they are saving themselves for Saturday Night (Georgia, South Carolina, TCU).  "Betting ugly is much more profitable than the point spread," said Ray Yoshak.  The Yoshak Scale is available  for purchase in the pro shop for the low cost of $14.99.

Bet Dull.  Avoid schools with night life, culture and major media outlets.  Schools like UCLA, Arizona State and Miami will kill you.  There is a reason cities like Norman, Lincoln and South Bend have so many wins.

What have we learned?  Bet dumb, bet ugly and bet dull.  Avoid any mention of the words "student athlete" and "ongoing NCAA investigations".  Know the difference between community service and manditory community hours.  Since school is back in session, do your betting homework and profit.

Good Hunting.

ps – USC and their cheerleaders do not apply to these formulas as they are both professionals.

Next month: The Fall Classic, Octoberfest and 300 yard drives

Here's a small introductory visual.  Video Chip may include these in future posts.

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