Category: Columnists

Emperors, Kings, and Club Champions
by Chip Augustus
 
Noblesse Obligie.  According to the behavioral code of noble birth, nobility obligates.  The problem is, emperors, kings and club champions are just not like the rest of us.  It is not that their attempts at being gracious are not genuine, Louie the 14th did give the world the ascot, it is that they do not understand our needs.  Sure, Mary's gift of cake to the Scots was a p.r. nightmare, but did she really have to lose her head over it?   For the love of cake man, we have to embrace their differences not fight them.  We must be empowered by their smug, mocking ways, not be offended by them.
 
Let us examine the average club champion and his irritating ways in an effort to better understand this strange golfer.  First, his spotless shoes never seem to touch mud, casual water or even the rough. His socks have never had  those  &^%$#  stickers hanging off them that come from lion country (if you find your ball in those places, you're lying).  Who is this man?  Double bogie's are as foreign to him as a free drink is to the grill.  Fairways and greens in regulation are not only common place, but monotonously boring.  What do these men talk to their bartenders about, even par?
 
Club champions are misunderstood for a very simple reason, they are good.  It is our responsibility, as loyal members, to reign in the mighty like it was tyranny or injustice.  We must protect the field and bring these men back down to our levels.
 
E Tu Brute

Next month: Scholar Chip writes about,  College football, the point spread and you

Independence, Liberty and the Pursuit of the $2 Beer
by BBQ Chip

Way back when, our founding fathers, Geo Wash, Thomas Jefferson, Arnold Palmer and friends forged the infrastructure for our Independence from, among other things, high green fees.  In fact, Thomas Payne's famous pamphlet, "Common Sense"  outlines this nations need to rid itself of British Colonial rule, taxation without representation while providing for public lands to be set aside for golf courses.  Not only did these men give birth to the home of the brave and the land of the free, they invented the muni.  Good golf at a fair price. How American is that.  It is in the spirit of these innovators, Ben Franklin invented the half way house and the turn dog, that I take umbrage with the high price of golf course beer.

At some of the "peoples courses" beer can go for 20 dollars or more for a cart sixer.  I know, the cities are in financial crisis and golfers must bail them out, but isn't this what caused all the troubles with England so long ago?

As a responsible journalist, I am not abdicating the likes of a Boston Tea Party even if a few boxes of Earl Gray wouldn't be missed.  What I do propose is much more scientific. 

Ask the offending course when a pint glass became 14 ounces?  When no answer is forth coming, inquire if the Department of Weights and Measures or perhaps Seven on Your Side need be notified.  I say, fight fire with firewater. If they bring the prices down our silence will be guaranteed.  It's the American way.  Somewhere Sam Adams, brewer and patriot, is pleased.

Next month  Chip Augustus, H.R.E.

Dads, Grads and Plaid
by Chip Emeritus, Professor of Golf Economics, PCGC

June is the month we honor the U.S. Open, grads and dad's financial independence.  I, as your loyal advice columnist never a blogger have an idea on how to combine the three.  Invite that ankle biting wallet draining graduate of yours out for a round of golf.  He'll think of this as another charity event sponsored by dear old dad, while you will have an ace up your sleeve.  Suggest  to the newly worldly individual that today you will bet and, oh yea, putt everything out.  Introduce to the scholar all the Poplar Creek specs, greenies, polies, Murphy's and two down auto presses.  Birdies, of course, double the number. 

It is your job to educate the graduate on some of the things he didn't learn in school. While junior may be  an expert on Renaissance painting, who doesn't enjoy looking at fat naked French girls, can he make a six foot putt to halve a hole?  At the turn, further his life lesson by ordering two beers and leave him holding the bill.  As you drive away from the shack, ask your chagrined son, "Where's yours, aren't you having any."  Remember his mom's not here and he's the reason you play hard scrabble munis and drink  discounted light beer.  Don't let up!

A victory cigar at this point would be crass and premature.  Instead offer to raise the stakes. (He may as well learn this lesson from you)  When the round is over and he is thoroughly deflated, ask him for a rematch next week.  His education will pay you back in spades.

If you have a daughter, read the fine print on her birth certificate.  It states in paragraph five that the fleecing will continue until the first wedding but not exceed the second divorce.

Next month BBQ Chip

Music in the Cafes, Revolution in the Air
By Chipo DeMayo

Historically Cinco de Mayo is the celebration of a Mexican victory over French forces in 1862. Unlike other French entanglements, see Germany, Vietnam, et al, they faced this contest alone and were routed.  It is believed this second tier army was the inspiration for the Harlem Globetrotters foil, the Washington Generals.  In essence, a General looks good in a uniform but lacks the ability to defend or fight.

As a holiday the fun loving  Mexican people felt cheated.  A victory over a European nation, even France, should be cause for mariachis, parades, and virgin sacrifices. Instead the populace of the Federal Republic ranked this holiday between Ground Hogs Day and Red's Tamale Day.  Despite government sponsored celebrity appeals, Charro was inexplicably not among them, the day languished on the calender.

Things remained until an obscure bartender from a sleepy Monterey village, invented a drink for lost love.  Fermin, his four last names unknown, decided to blend all things reminiscent of  his Margarita into a large pear shaped glass.  The tequila was for his fiery passion, the crushed ice for his melting hopes, the lime and the salt for her disposition.  The triple sec, was, well, a misread.

For her legs, he garnished the drink with a cactus wedge, thick and prickly. This cocktail was a Mexican sensation!  This stout and powerful drink refreshed  a party thirsty nation, renewed national pride, and just plain plain made people happy.  So this Cinco de Mayo, when your sipping on a Margarita, give a little nod to Fermin while listening for church bells in the town square.

Momentos Felices  (Happy Moments)