Category: Columnists

Q-Tip Please

Q-TIP PLEASE
By Chip By A Nose

Championship week. The fine line between drinking champaign in a tux sipping from a slipper to waking up drunk in a dark back alley.  Putts drop, or they don’t.  Is it fate, karma, dumb luck or the golf gods rolling dice in the clouds.  Yo, no sevens.  Luck be a three on 18.

What is it that makes a champion?  Is it practice, grit, a new girlfriend, or more likely, something between our ears.  Q-Tip please.  Why does the magic from the range go south is such a hurry?  Is it cosmic energy, or a comic enema in a two part play, front and back? (If I knew, I would sell my books, instead of giving them away)  

Thirty six opportunities to show this course who is boss, bring it to its knees  and rise up  triumphantly with fist in air, nodding to the craps players, I hit my number.  Sky Masterson. Jimmy The Greek, Damon Runyon and all the other prognosticators of chance have charted the horses.  Will the bookies foretell the right man in the saddle? It won’t be determined until the first notes of “The Call To Post” and  only after the photo finish. This is Championship week, so boys, ride your games hard. 

Good Luck!

Three Halves

Three Halves
By Chip By The Numbers

Fire, pestilence and a National League designated hitter, has God forsaken us?  I am not sure, but I am certain He has put us on the watch list.  These are, indeed, troubling times.  Rumor around the fifth green is that the CIA, FBI and MTV have the PCGC on happy hour surveillance.  Is it because this is an election year?  Are the Russians involved?  Why, with all their vote-rigging technology and experience would they care about our election?

Jason is running unopposed in a non-paid, unappreciated position, to serve a largely uninformed, indifferent and complaining membership.  He’s got to win!  Imagine if there was some CCCP election hanky-panky and an outsider got elected.

Who would work for such wages?  Is Billy Carter still alive?  How about O.J. Simpson?  He’s not working at the moment and seems to spend a great deal of time at golf courses.  I do believe it is a short list.  We could take the first loser in the national election, but one hates California and the other might get lost on the way.  

No, these guys won’t do.  It has got to be a character with character.  It’s too bad that Mel’s a woman.  Wait one minute, hold the presses, it’s a wonderful thing that Mel’s a woman, but unfortunately she can’t be the president of the men’s club.

What we need is a man who is half magician, half shrink and half nuts to do this job. Old Tom Morris said it best, “Three halves make a whole” (good golfer, lousy mathematician) .

We have such a man, Vote Jason!

Household Chores

Household Heroes
By Granite Chip

Heroes belong here, literally.  In a day when the country is in doubt and unsure of its providence, pedigree and purpose, it is refreshing to know we have never wavered in our membership.  While it is true, our boys have never slept with a Kardashian, except maybe Levi or Mike Toomey, (those girls dig the stars), been indicted by a grand jury, if you don’t count Cabo Nick, or have been caught in a gambling raid other than Big Al, Sonic Sid and Artie, we are solid, 87%  law-abiding citizens.  We are dedicated to advancing golf and helping those within our reach.

We have sons of civil servants, teachers, cookie salesmen, linemen, and demolition experts, men who are household heroes.  They bring home the bacon, fly under the radar, except maybe Randy G and Swingin’  Mr. Stevens, and are accountable for (most) of their actions.  Our members have been essential long  before essential was a buzz word. These men count and have always been counted on.

The monies raised for the needy children at Christmas and the course workers during the shutdown are never mentioned in our hallowed muni halls, but probably rival and surpass our country club soulless neighbors. I am proud to be around such unsung heroes.  

Just remember boys, leave your capes at the pro shop door before entering.

Biscuits and Brandy

Biscuits and Brandy
By Chip Knows All

We are back!  Last Sunday I saw the stars of Poplar Creek out in force, sauntering down the fairways, talking mess, being upstanding members.  For six hours, the world healed, disease, famine, and prohibition were lifted, ascots were back in style.  Par, bogie or triple, who cared, golf was being played again.  It was grand,  Yes, grand.

The boys, keeping two yards apart, availed themselves of the table service on the patio.   Wine and stories flowed.  Old yarns spun with new enthusiasms echoed onto the 18th green like in days of old.

Biscuit in his size Bochy Giant’s cap, was a welcomed sight and a harbinger to the normalcy we all hope will soon come.  At the southeast table, Cabo Nick was licking his wounds from his latest fleecing, listening to Steve O explain, again, how his match was much closer than the 10 and 8 score indicated.

The heady Sons of Civil Servants were in a lively discussion on the medical advantages of Vitamin V.  “A bloody Mary has, like, 20 vitamins and minerals in it.  You ask any fireman and they’ll tell you,” stated the impassioned Jim Lambrechts.  Brother Marty nodded in agreement.

“Hey. what about the three B’s?, demanded Frankie Moro.  Beer. Bourbon and Brandy founded  this country.  Saint Bernards all over the world have  fantastic rescue rates, and they only use brandy.  I rest my case.”

The discussion went late into the afternoon with both parties at an impasse.  It was agreed upon that this brand of health care is far superior to Dr. Phil or Kaiser.  The PCGC HMO requires no co-pay or monthly installments.  It only requires over tipping, the strongest  medicine of all.