Category: Columnists

A Sure Thing
by Poker Chip

It was during the dark days of televised sports, that black hole somewhere between the Daytona 500 and March Madness, when she tripped into my life. Had I Known what I know now I never would have struck my foot out. She was lithe, limber and was now walking with only the slightest trace of a limp. Betting she had health insurance, I offered to pay her medical deductible.

Gracious, if not graceful, she sat down and declared she would not seek legal action. Relieved, I asked her to stay and join me for dinner. I could tell you it was the start of magical nights of candle light, expensive French wines and a long lazy walks, but I’d be lying. We ate tacos, drank cheap Mexican beer, no fruit, and talked Warriors basketball. Levi Fountaine was her all-time favorite player. She was cool and a fast healer, I was smitten.

We began to see more of each other and I believed we were getting closer. Well, as close as you can get from arms distance. She was still a bit leary of how we met.

Speed Andersen, Brad Pitt, Micky Spillane and a few lucky others have known women of this caliber. We were however, off to a good start. Spring training was on the horizon, the Master’s on the ebb tide, I was in a good place. Who could ask for more? A chick in hand, warmer weather approaching, this was CHIP TIME!

It was here that I made my fatal mistake. I gambled!

I invited her to join our Saturday foursome of Gary D, Sonic Sid and Cabo Nick. Just a standard muni with polies, murphies, sandies (dirty sand pays double) the works. She was a quick study and began to notice how the gambling took on a life of its own. I believe it was the double hammer on the auto press that changed her demeanor from casual amusement to disgust.

I was ordering after the round when she said those words I have heard far too often, Chip, we have to talk. A sinking feeling came over me. Friendly wagering is one thing she said, but your guys are out of control. If I stayed with you, I’d always have a fear in the back of my mind that you’d lose me in a poker game or on a two team parlay. Forget about the deductible, I made enough from you guys to cover it and then some. I’m leaving.

As she was walking away, I yelled, Baby, I don’t even like poker, I can change. She smirked and then slammed the door. With a heavy heart I said, Sid, I’ll shake you for the drinks.

The Chippy Awards
by Red Carpet Chip

While the rest of the world begins to pair up, two by two, in preparation of Hallmark’s big day, we at Chip stand resolutely alone, focused on the Best in Bay Area Golf.  Unlike other publications, many of whom have editors, policy boards and readers, The Chippy’s offer the golf community unbiased, unvarnished and largely unwashed opinions.  As is our custom, the names will not be changed as we still cannot identify enough innocent to protect.

We will not bore you, golf’s most knowledgeable readers, with mundane statistics and the lame categories of the big name magazines.  We will instead celebrate what is truly important in our game.  So sit back, open a cold one and enjoy the 2017 Chippy’s.

Best Beverage Cart
SHARP PARK
It is not that they have the prettiest cart girls, see HMB, but that they carry hot dogs on board.  Brilliant.

Best Bloody Mary’s
MATT LAROCCA, P.C.G.C
Our very confident barman mixes his semi-secret recipe out in the open for all to see.  This tasty potable both braces and refreshes those with early morning tee times.

Best Post-Round Drink
SHARP PARK
The combination of sketchy neighborhood people, tree huggers and golfers in that funky bar/restaurant has a kind of Haight-Ashbury meets the Sierra Club vibe.  Throw in an Irish brogue and you have a party.  The Cal Club's horseshoe bar and Gleneagles Pro Shop are just an eccentric or two away from contention.

Best Bartender, Female Division
MEL ALLEN, P.C.G.C
Mel has the right amount of everything and is passionate about golf.  LAVONDA and GINA over at Mariner’s Island are a very strong second place.

Best Bartender, Male Division
WHO CARES!

Best Beer Selection, Domestic
Oly, PBR and Miller High Life makes GLENEAGLES the runaway winner.

Fancy, overpriced preppy beers favored by the children of today will not be rated.

Best Beer Selection, Foreign
See Male Bartender

Congratulations to the inaugural winners of this most prodigious honor.  The volunteer staff at the Chippy’s applaud those of you who have achieved so much.  For you slackers out there that didn’t make the list, we are not above bribes.
 

A Saturday with Santa
By Chip Cringle

Hey Chip, Mel wasn’t having any of that service animal stuff. Isn’t this California? If she didn’t make such a yummy Manhattan, why I’d put her on the naughty list. Easy Santa, I said, Randy already has. We’ll take our drinks outside and see how many of our PCGC golf scholars think Dasher and Prancer are lawn ornaments. Tell the “therapy reindeers” to watch out for CDub, Brian U and that new guy, Franky Moro. Why asked, the jolly one, are they hunters? The first two are, the other one just sprays the ball a bit. FORE!

Hey Santa, nice decorations they look so real, have you seen my ball? I know him, the man in red said, that’s Frank, he asks for the same thing every year, to beat El Camino in football and shorter school days. Chip, inquired Frank, where is my relief from these man-made objects?

Sitting out on the patio, Santa noticed Swingin Mr. Stevens, Blue Lou and the Sons of Civil Servants loading provisions from the cart girl. I’ll bet you a drink Chip, said the jolly one, they order three vitamin V’s with lime and one Miller Lite. Kevin can learn scurvy avoidance from those three.

Chairman Mike, Dennis K, Rod Wyman and a few of the other “Inside Boys” pulled up an adjourning table. Mel, keeping with the spirit of the holidays, began taking drink orders. Soon the bar was empty, and the patio packed. Cabo Nick smiled, winked and yelled out, “is this going to be the year”? Santa shook his head no, then thanked him for his very descriptive wish list.

Bill Feely, always the giver, asked for a Giants centerfielder and third baseman. For no apparent reason, perhaps bragging rights, Levi and Jeff K asked Santa to restore their jump shots to early 70’s levels.

And so it went long into that sunny winters’ day. Ray Yoshak back from exile nodded to Red, and the reindeers, and offered this toast,

“May your fairways always be green and vast,

your putts true, your horses fast,

your golf days many, and your burdens light,

so here’s to everyone on this wonderful night”.

Merry Chipmas!