Vidi, Viche, Vino
by Chip Cellars
Vin Scully: Welcome back to Dodger's Stadium and the home half of the fourth. It's a beautiful night, the temperature is in the eighties, the smog visibility is nearly 200 feet, so there is no reason why the Dodger's hitless streak should go past it's current 30 innings….
–NEWSBREAK–
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the President of the United States.
President Obama: "Citizens of the world, I must ask you to pray tonight. As I speak, an Asian terrorist group has fired two missiles at the U.S. One is headed toward San Francisco. The other is headed toward Disneyland. We believe this same group has shut down all electrical power to India, which as you all know, renders our computers here in the states useless. Our really expensive early warning and counter measure devices won't work without these guys. (A man with sunglasses and a bad suit approaches and hands the president a phone) Wait, I have an update.
–NEWSBREAK–
We go now to San Mateo where two men apparently have thwarted the attack.
We are outside the Poplar Creek club house with spokesman Gary DeSantis. Gary, can you tell the world what just happened in there?
Gary D: Luckily this attack occurred during Chip Stock, an annual gathering similar to the Bohemian Club, but much more exclusive. The World's Most Interesting Man and Chip actually flipped a coin to see who was going to save California and who was going to choose the beer for the next round. Armed with only a transistor radio, aluminum foil shaped into a UHF antenna, a corkscrew, and the GHIN computer,(Golf Handicap Index Network) the boys were able to reprogram the missiles.
How did they do it?
Well, continued Gary, they plugged the radio into the GHIN and simply tuned the radio into the right frequency. The missile's guidance system was no match for the illogical and overly complex handicap system.
Where did the missiles go?
The one heading for San Francisco was returned to sender.
What about the one headed for Disneyland and all those children?
This was a little more of a challenging, as the missile was on the same frequency as an all night disco station out of Fresno. The boys simply rerouted it to a place where it would do the least harm.
Where is that, the ocean, Death Valley, Los Banos?
No, I think it was Chavez Ravine.
Thank God, one last question Gary, I understand the radio, the aluminum foil and the GHIN machine, but what role did the corkscrew play?
Man, (with a shake of the head) they just saved California and all those wineries, do you really think they are going to drink cheap Mexican beer?
Hey isn't that Mike Toomey arm and arm with Natalie Gulbis?
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