The Year Without Golf!
by Chip with a Splash
After a week of sunny weather, the rains have returned. As an admitted golf junkie, this is my lament, rain. Some pundits make the claim golf played in the rain is a truer test of the game. Scottish, argyle, bagpipes and all of that purist hogwash. I firmly believe the only things enhanced by water are Scotch and very specific co-ed hot tub games. Anything else becomes time-consuming and burdensome.
And so it goes. Personally, this liquid sunshine has altered my sleep patterns, sunscreen usage, and general cheeriness. My nights have become like the neglected bread knife in a gluten-free home, cold, dull and way too long. Gone are the dreams of bogies, birdies, cute cart girls and beer. They have been replaced with nightmares of the movies “Poseidon Adventure” and “Titanic” on an endless loop. The mention of Ernest Borgnine, Leo DiCapra or Shelly Winters gives me the cold sweats. Surprisingly, the thought of Kate Winslet does not. Funny how dreams work.
I need sun. I have spent so much time walking the aisles of the Golf Mart, the employees think I am on staff. I have even thought of building a golf-themed ark. Keith Gonsalves, another sufferer, helped me draw up the plans on a canceled tournament score sheet. It’s kinda of a cool ship with multiple driving mats and three bars. There is no room however, for animals other than PCGC members, but sacrifices had to be made.
I’m on the verge of a golf breakdown. I long for the days of taking a good round into our eighteenth hole only to blow up. Double bogies are starting to sound good to me. Hitting three from the tee doesn’t sound all that bad anymore. I just might have to don my rain gear and get Scottish.